Sunday, February 28, 2010

Singing again

Bryan and I got into a very deep conversation last night about me. It was so odd at first because I've never talked much to him about my wants and dreams and hopes. I've always been the kind of person that would rather sacrifice everything so that others could be happy. And, with marrying my sweet Bryan, I have become his USC-hoping, film making supporting, book editing, *almost* wife so I can continue doing so when we get married. But yesterday, I started to fall apart at some small things and I couldn't figure out why. So, through all the tears and talking, my sweet Bryan came down with the conclusion that I need to start doing something for me.
It was so hard for me to even talk about myself, I ended up not saying much. But I was finally able to speak out to Bryan about my real dreams after he went along with my list of things I was made to be; a wife, a mom, a supporter, a nurturer... You know, those things.
But he finally got me to break open from my practical mind and tell him everything I wanted. I want to sing with everything in me. I want to praise God for giving me this gift through song and performance. I want to play the piano again. It has been years since I have sat down and just played for me. I miss my old books, my old sheet music... It was everything to me. Now, all I do is work; day to day, hour by hour, just so I can make ends meet and help Bryan get to USC. I'm saving for the wedding and for life after it. Even the wedding stuff I don't really do for myself, I do it for others and their benefit and help. Nothing in my life has been just for me since I went to college.
So, I'm looking into voice lessons again. I have to get these rusty old pipes singing. I'm going to set aside time everyday (probably the half hour after I get home from work) to just sit down in front of the piano and play--just for me.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Counting my blessings yet again.

Today has been in all reality a GOOD day. Haven't had one of those in so long. I'm actually smiling. I cannot describe how happy I am. I am so grateful to my Father in Heaven for my life, my testimony, my family, and my friends. Work was very bearable today--I had plenty to do and left to do it. When I got out of work, I came home and wrote for an hour and I feel like I'm making progress. After that, Aub and I went to Kylie's rehearsal and we brought Bella so she could see the Jellicle Cats. She even got to go on stage and take pictures! It was so fun to see her belief in the reality of the show. Today was just... Good. I haven't had a day like this in a while.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Status Report

Well, I finally gave in and went to the doctor yesterday. Turns out that I had an ear infection and a possibility of strep throat (Vee, before you comment ANYTHING.... IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT!!!!!). I'm on antibiotics and he says that I'm totally functional. Yet, all I can feel is the STINKIN' bubble in my ear that makes it throb and hurt soooooooo bad! :P Maybe I'm being a huge baby and whiner, but I DON'T CARE! It hurts! :( And I'm kinda scared that it may not go away because I am stressing out over the wedding and work and life in general. It's terrible :/
But! On the flipside, my parents will be here in just over a week! I'm so excited! I want Mom to come with me to see the florist and to my fitting for my dress. There are things that are still keeping me smiling.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

I'm starting to feel the stress.

Between work and planning my wedding, there is not much else that fills my schedule and now I am sick. My sister thinks it has to do with my sinuses since my ears and throat hurt and my nose is running. I wouldn't doubt it. My mother told me some things I should take that might help and it seems like everything I take/do makes only about 1/2 of my symptoms go away.
The hardest part is that work is going to be crazy starting these next few weeks with the new season of sports coming in (i.e. tennis, spring soccer, softball, baseball). My boss keeps telling me to only work half days until I feel better and I've already done that twice. Yet, there is a huge part of me that feels guilty leaving work a few hours early everyday. I need the money and the work needs to be done, ya know? So, tomorrow I'm going to try working a full day and see how my body (namely my head) takes it.
Anyway, back to the title of my entry... I'm pretty sure that my illness is due to my stress. I visited the dentist a few days ago and he said that my TMJ is only going to get worse from the stress of planning my wedding and I've already seen that happen. I don't grind my teeth, I clench them. I find myself rubbing my jaw often because of the pain.
So it starts... The stresses of getting married. I almost wish I could just get married tomorrow and not have to worry about everything. I think most of my stress comes from the fact that I'm planning my wedding from a state away. That was my choice, though. :/ Tough...

Thursday, February 4, 2010

I guess it's been a while

Well, I've been working back at my old job from the summer for about a month now and my sweet fiance got a sales job this last week. We are now back in business! ha! I'm just glad that he has a job now. It was really taking a toll on him because he wasn't being the provider like the man is supposed to be. He really let loose when he spoke in church when he mentioned his job hunt. That day, three people asked for his resume and he had a job within the next 24 hours. God really does answer prayers.
We have 2 appointments to look at silk flowers. We figure that silk would be easier since I'll have my bridals a month ahead and then going back and forth from Arizona and Utah... It just makes it cheaper and easier on us.
I also should have my first fitting with my seamstress in the next week or so. I'm so glad that Gaye offered to do it. I'm just so excited to put it on and give it a feel. I was looking at pictures of Audrey Hepburn and I found a picture of her real wedding dress... Mine is almost exactly like hers! It made my day!