Sunday, September 23, 2012

An Interesting Place

I'm going to be very real for the next few paragraphs.

When Bryan and I got married almost 2.5 years ago, I was in a really good place. Mentally I was sound, spiritually I was focused, physically I was fit, and emotionally I was balanced. But it began to fade a little after the end of year one.
I stopped going to school.
My scriptures became dusty.
Working out became a scarcity and random.
Crying turned into an almost daily occasion.

I've gotten back to school. I don't cry as much, and only when it is healthy. But my body is tired and I'm losing all capacity to keep it healthy. God is becoming a stranger and my scriptures are still neglected.

That scares me.

I like to think of myself as an "athletic" person.
I love to dance.
I don't mind running.
I like playing sports.
But I have lost all desire to do those things.
Bryan is constantly asking me if I'm going to go to the gym with him, to keep him company and help him with weights when he needs it. I find myself not even considering or wagering. My response has been for the last little while a straightforward NO.
Where does this come from?
When we were dating, I'd go. The same when we were engaged. When we got married, I told him that I didn't like going to the gym, but I still danced regularly. We even got me some Zumba DVD's for those days when I didn't have time or the capacity to come up with my own workout.

But now... Nothing.

I have faith.
I feel the Spirit.
I try to remember that all things come from God--and thank Him for those things.
I keep a prayer in my heart.
I listen to uplifting music.
But how often do I get on my knees? A number that I am ashamed of.
How often do I read my scriptures? Not enough, for certain.
Our ward is doing a Book of Mormon Reading Challenge:  2 chapters or 4 pages a day from Sept 1st-Dec 31st. How far have I gotten since day 1? 1 Nephi Chapter 8. That's maybe 20 pages in. I've got a lot of catching up to do and a lot of changing to do if I want to make this part of my life.

I want to feast on life again. My sister-in-law wrote about me on her blog right after Bryan and I got engaged about how excited I was about life and how I loved the Gospel. Do I have that anymore? I like think that I do...

This isn't a bad place that I'm in. I know I'm blessed, more than I deserve. God is a gracious God for blessing someone as imperfect and lazy as I am.

I'm just in an interesting place.


  1. I know that place all too well. I've been in that same place for a while now. I'm also trying to make changes and do things differently but it's hard when I feel like my life situation and events keep creeping in and taking over. sigh, here's hoping I can find a way to recharge. I'm hoping General Conference helps with that. :P Best of luck girlfriend, I'll pray for you!

  2. You are not alone my dear. When we were single it was a lot easier to live "my life" with "my time". It's now "our" life which makes it hard. Find that passion once again. Find time to be alone with God. Tell Brian you need 10-15mins a day of alone spiritual time. See if that works. Love you dear. You'll find the fire again.