Overwhelming.

It hit me today.
Like
REALLY hit me.
I will NEVER sing at or with BYU-Idaho again.

I got on facebook tonight like any other night and was browsing through the feed. I like having a facebook because I like knowing what's going on in people's lives and I like keeping in touch with my friends. So, I began scrolling:
Girls who were Beehives when I left Arizona are graduating,
Friends posted new "pregnant pictures"
Others were talking up Spring Break...

And then they started.
The status updates about TOMORROW.

Tomorrow is General Conference for my church.
Tomorrow, during the afternoon session, the Mormon Tabernacle Choir will not be singing.
Instead...
Tomorrow, Brigham Young University-Idaho's Combined Conference Choir will be performing.
And I won't be.
Tomorrow, I will sit and look into the faces of so many of my friends and comrades that I have grown to love and respect in the Music Dept. perform sacred music for the biggest event semi-annually in the Church.
And I won't be with them.

I loved BYU-I. I had so many opportunities there that I never would have been able to have had I gone somewhere else. And now, quite frankly, I'm scared.
I'm scared that I may never perform again.
I'm scared that I may never be whole again.
I'm scared of losing my talents.

And I'm afraid that's where I'm headed.