Like a ton of bricks

It hit me today. I guess I haven't thought about it much because it's taken so long to get here.

3 (major) moves.
Two universities
3 BYU rejection letters.
One BYU-Idaho acceptance letter.
One BYU-Idaho Associate's Degree.
One UVU acceptance letter.
I-can't-even-count-how-many auditions.
An engagement.
A wedding.
One 2-year break.
Five jobs.
One business.
Tears, blood, sweat, failures, joys.
Six years of total schooling.

In a year, I will have a diploma. A Bachelor's degree in Vocal Performance.

In a year, I will be deciding where to go for grad school.

In a year, I will be able to call myself "a professional."

As I think back on these six years, it's been a wonderful and awful experience. I have made and lost many friends. I met the love of my life. I have grown as a person, a woman, a daughter, a sister, a friend, and a wife. I have grown as a musician, a professional. I have come to love myself and my gift enough to want to develop and share it.

I want to grow. I want to succeed. I want to be an example to my children, to my students, to anyone I encounter that anything is possible with enough determination and love and faith.

An Interesting Place

I'm going to be very real for the next few paragraphs.

When Bryan and I got married almost 2.5 years ago, I was in a really good place. Mentally I was sound, spiritually I was focused, physically I was fit, and emotionally I was balanced. But it began to fade a little after the end of year one.
I stopped going to school.
My scriptures became dusty.
Working out became a scarcity and random.
Crying turned into an almost daily occasion.

I've gotten back to school. I don't cry as much, and only when it is healthy. But my body is tired and I'm losing all capacity to keep it healthy. God is becoming a stranger and my scriptures are still neglected.

That scares me.

I like to think of myself as an "athletic" person.
I love to dance.
I don't mind running.
I like playing sports.
But I have lost all desire to do those things.
Bryan is constantly asking me if I'm going to go to the gym with him, to keep him company and help him with weights when he needs it. I find myself not even considering or wagering. My response has been for the last little while a straightforward NO.
Where does this come from?
When we were dating, I'd go. The same when we were engaged. When we got married, I told him that I didn't like going to the gym, but I still danced regularly. We even got me some Zumba DVD's for those days when I didn't have time or the capacity to come up with my own workout.

But now... Nothing.

I have faith.
I feel the Spirit.
I try to remember that all things come from God--and thank Him for those things.
I keep a prayer in my heart.
I listen to uplifting music.
But how often do I get on my knees? A number that I am ashamed of.
How often do I read my scriptures? Not enough, for certain.
Our ward is doing a Book of Mormon Reading Challenge:  2 chapters or 4 pages a day from Sept 1st-Dec 31st. How far have I gotten since day 1? 1 Nephi Chapter 8. That's maybe 20 pages in. I've got a lot of catching up to do and a lot of changing to do if I want to make this part of my life.

I want to feast on life again. My sister-in-law wrote about me on her blog right after Bryan and I got engaged about how excited I was about life and how I loved the Gospel. Do I have that anymore? I like think that I do...

This isn't a bad place that I'm in. I know I'm blessed, more than I deserve. God is a gracious God for blessing someone as imperfect and lazy as I am.

I'm just in an interesting place.

[Thursday] Things

Today is a day that I need to take some time and just vent about some things... Or be grateful. It's going to be a little bit of both.

- I'm grateful for my job, but it's driving me a little bit crazy this week. Tomorrow I only work a half day so that will basically save me.

- We're going to the temple tomorrow. Thank goodness.

- I'll be done with most of my big jobs at work by tomorrow afternoon, which is comforting

- I got my financial aid awards for school. Grateful, but not totally happy. I'm wondering if getting my bachelors is going to be worth all this someday

- I dyed my hair this last weekend. I love it :) pictures to come, I promise!

The 4th of July... On the 3rd.

Since I'll be sitting in a car all day tomorrow, I figured I'd talk a little bit about why 

i love america.

I come from a strong military background.

Both of my grandpas served in World War II, one receiving a purple heart.

Three of my mom's brothers served in Vietnam.

My dad and all three of his brothers served in some branch of the military.

My dad spent about 3 years in Thailand. 

A year of that time was spent engaged and married to my mom.

Bryan sometimes talks about joining the Army, if movies don't work out.

It terrifies me, but--to be completely honest--I wouldn't be a more proud wife than to have a soldier as a husband.

I have several friends who, upon graduating high school, joined the military.

It makes my heart so grateful for the sacrifice.

I know that this country was built upon a foundation of our forefathers,

in the hopes that its freedoms will never break down.

I was told once to uphold all the laws and rights in this country, so that this chosen land will prosper through to the last days and to the second coming of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

I take that very seriously.

Every time I have sung The Star-Spangled Banner, my heart is filled with pride.

Every time I see veterans leading out the parades on the morning of Independence day, 

I weep with gratitude.

I love my country.

Let freedom ring.

God Bless America.

2 Crazy Years

Two years ago today, I made the best decision of my life:

I married him.

Right after we were sealed for time and all eternity

This journey has given me so much.

Joy
Experience
Frustration
Grief
Strength
Faith 

Most of all...

Love

Love for a man who is my best friend, my greatest example, and my greatest joy.

Our song is "Falling Slowly" by The Frames.

It just seems to fit.

It's about 2 strangers who find one another and fall in love.

Falling in love saved them.

That's our story.

It's not traditional at all, but it's ours and I love it.

These two crazy years have been the best of my life.

Lucky for me, I get to do this for the rest of my life and throughout all eternity.

I love you, Bryan.

Happy Anniversary.

ps. Happy 2 year anniversary to Stacylyn and Zach! :)

I guess I was worrying a little too much...

Last night went like this:

Bryan:  Have you checked out or kickstarter page today?
Me: I've been avoiding it all day, to be honest.
Bryan: Well, you should.
Me: Why can't you just tell me?
Bryan: You just need to see it for yourself.
Me: (walks over to laptop. Turns it on. Goes to kickstarter page) $1,000?!!!


Yes, people. It's crazy, but it's happening.

Be part of something BIG!
Make the pledge!
_______________________________________________________

On to normal life things....

Work has been insane!
We're doing our big semi-annual sale right now and it has been the BUSIEST semi-annual sale I have been a part of in my 3 years at my job.
SO CRAZY.
But it's been good because we need the business.

I miss school. The end.

Bryan's work is absolutely crazy, too. They have a bunch of shoots going on right now, locally and all over the country, and Bryan has been alone in the camera room for about 3 weeks now because his boss is shooting and his co-worker is on set with the boss.
Poor Bryan, he gets calls all the time from people asking about check-outs. But he doesn't mind. It just gives him more to do.

Lately, I've been listening to/reading the General Conference talks from this last April. I worked all day on that Saturday, so I never got to hear the talks. It has been a sweet blessing and experience reading the words of the prophets. It helps me know that the heavens are opened; that God did not and will not leave us alone. He wants to give us guidance and show us that he has infinite concern for us. I know that one of the ways our Father in Heaven does this for us is by giving us prophets and apostles who know the needs of the Church and of the world. They are good men who love God and the gospel.

Things are going... Just going. I hope I can keep up.

I feel so NERVOUS!

So, Bryan has been working SO hard on a script, a business plan, and a Kickstarter campaign for about 6 months now.

In the next 48 hours, we launch our Kickstarter campaign.

Tonight, I talk to several siblings and friends about how to pledge and help make our dream a reality.

And... I'm TERRIFIED.

I'm the kind of person whose mind always goes to the worst-case-scenario.

This is slowly turning into one of those moments.

You see, people look at Bryan and I and think we're crazy.

Yes, Bryan quit school.
Yes, I'm working full-time and going to school so Bryan can be home more to work on this whole thing.
Yes, we're taking some huge risks starting this business.

But let me just say this:


When you look down on us-- and vocalize it, for that matter-- for taking a chance on our dreams now when we have the time and motivation to do it, it doesn't help.


You know what does help though? Support. Any support you can give.

So, this is why talking to my siblings and friends is becoming scary...
I'm afraid they don't believe in us enough to make the pledge.

Can I ask my readers something?

Don't you want to be part of something that could change someone's life?

When it's live, I'll post a link to our Kickstarter page so you can be part of something that will change not just our lives, but everyone's who is involved in this project...

If you want to, follow our journey here.

Believe in us. It sure is a lonely road to making your dreams come true.

_ _ _ 
I'm sorry this post is kind of bi-polar and not really me, but it's how I'm feeling right now...

In Loving Memory

The first final that I took was the scariest one of all:

Group Piano I 

A B- is failing in this course, so obviously I was intimidated.

But Dr. Hansen was always there to remind me that I was working hard and doing my best.

A few weeks ago, Dr. Hansen gave birth to a beautiful  baby girl. But, it was because of that birth, she died of infection.

Her husband is now left with their 3 children to raise on his own, without a job.

I don't have much to give, but I'm giving. 

I ask if you have a moment, to take a look at this blog. Read her story. Make a donation.

If you don't have the means to donate, that's okay.

Take the challenge that Dr. Hansen's sweet sister-in-law gives:  post about it.

Any and all "donations" help.

As most of you know, I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, otherwise known as the Mormon Church. Dr. Alice Hansen was also a member.

One of the defining beliefs in our religion lies with our temples. There, we know that families are sealed for time and all eternity. Not til death do us part. 

So, even now, as many people are mourning and suffering over Alice's death, there is some comfort.

We will see her again.

She will be with her husband and children again in the eternities.

_ _ _ _ 

If you have any questions about the temple or our beliefs in eternal families, please feel free to send me a message, post a comment, or give me a call. 

Or, you can visit www.lds.org or www.mormon.org. 

You can also contact the local LDS missionaries in your area.

I'm Stuck...

Today I was watching Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium. Because it's hilarious. And awesome. And it makes me feel all fuzzy inside. :)
Anyways, there is one part where Mahoney goes to Mr. Magorium and says that she wants to get a new job and she says that she feels "stuck."

I kinda feel the same way.
I think half of it is because I'm doing the same hum-drum stuff everyday.
But that doesn't help the feeling.

I have a feeling that school is going to help.

After Mr. Magorium leaves, Mahoney is talking to the Mutant and the Mutant tells her that she isn't "just a block of wood." (you have to see the movie to understand. it's awesome). He tells her that she just needs to believe in herself, just like she believed in Mr. Magorium. Then, magical things can happen!

I just need to believe in myself, just like I believe in my husband, God, and love!

It's just getting to that point that's the hard part...
:/

Overwhelming.

It hit me today.
Like
REALLY hit me.
I will NEVER sing at or with BYU-Idaho again.

I got on facebook tonight like any other night and was browsing through the feed. I like having a facebook because I like knowing what's going on in people's lives and I like keeping in touch with my friends. So, I began scrolling:
Girls who were Beehives when I left Arizona are graduating,
Friends posted new "pregnant pictures"
Others were talking up Spring Break...

And then they started.
The status updates about TOMORROW.

Tomorrow is General Conference for my church.
Tomorrow, during the afternoon session, the Mormon Tabernacle Choir will not be singing.
Instead...
Tomorrow, Brigham Young University-Idaho's Combined Conference Choir will be performing.
And I won't be.
Tomorrow, I will sit and look into the faces of so many of my friends and comrades that I have grown to love and respect in the Music Dept. perform sacred music for the biggest event semi-annually in the Church.
And I won't be with them.

I loved BYU-I. I had so many opportunities there that I never would have been able to have had I gone somewhere else. And now, quite frankly, I'm scared.
I'm scared that I may never perform again.
I'm scared that I may never be whole again.
I'm scared of losing my talents.

And I'm afraid that's where I'm headed.